Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Saddest Halloween

I am quite aware of the unavoidable fact that life can only be so great for so long until it gets hard again. It is a cycle that I've come to accept and know well. As much as I wish that life would always be as simple as afternoon drives and pretty sunsets, I appreciate the hard times because I always grow closer to my Lord. I have to really try to be positive though. This is hard for me, as it is for most anyone I am sure. I could easily be Debbie Downer and bring everyone else around me along with me but I have to focus on the positive.
My dear friend, ex-boy friend, and only boy I've ever really loved is in the Army and was home recently on R&R after a minor injury. We had the chance to hang out quite a bit while he was home for the last two weeks. We have a relationship that I won't even try to explain because not even we understand it. But all I can say is that I love him with more of my heart than I've ever loved anyone else. His feelings for me are even stronger. I was able to be with him at the airport on Halloween until he departed. It was such a weird, weird feeling. You see it in the movies, you watch it on the news, and you hear it on the radio but when you are the one saying "goodbye" it sends emotions through you like you didn't even know existed. There were more emotions and thoughts going through my mind than I could even sort through. It was almost fake...like I could go on with my every day to day tasks and pretend that he isn't really fighting a war. He isn't really having to sleep on the ground in the dirt, night after night. He isn't really jumping out of helicopters. He isn't really finding bombs. He isn't really being shot at. But deep down I know all of those things are true. It hits me at very unexpected times. He is in my mind all day, every day, but it is out of no where when I actually get sad, and cry without any control over it.
This is what I'm waiting for*
I've never written a blog so personal and full of emotions before. It's not something I intend on doing often but  I was starting to go a little crazy with no one to just babble about it all too. So thanks for bearing with me, if you got this far.



  1. Wow. What a beautiful/real post. I will pray for strength for both of you! God is good and will be faithful through it, but I can only imagine how tough it is for you guys.
    My brother is in the air-force and it just about kills me every time he leaves from visiting.

  2. That is crazy. Everything you say after "It was almost fake" really really makes you think what it would be like to have someone so close to you go off to war. Sheesh. I'm sorry Shelby. Next time you randomly cry, find a little comfort in the fact that chances are, I've probably prayed for you and missed you that day already :) <3